Soul Food Sunday #1: An informed decision

Today's post was written by: Nick Pridemore, College Pastor -- Bloomington, Indiana. You can also find him on Werd Guys blogging on all things in faith & fatherhood. 

At what age do you believe children can make an informed decision about their faith?

This question is huge for believers who are honestly concerned with raising children in the godliest way possible. As believers, we desire to see others come to experience the grace and forgiveness of Jesus. As believers, and really just as decent humans, we also desire the best for our children. When you put those two ideas together it is logical to assume Christian parents are concerned with their children experiencing the grace of Jesus. Therefore, this is a very significant question.

The answer may shock you. However, after years of studying theology, doctrine, church history and raising kids myself I am confident in my answer. The answer is I don’t know. Thank you, I’ll be here all week. I say I don’t know because I don’t know your child and there is no static age that applies to all children. Even among my three kids, I see a difference in the pace at which they grasp spiritual truths. My seven-year-old son is a thinker. He’s cerebral and quietly wades through topics in his head that are way beyond his age. For example, when he had just turned 5 he was riding with me in the car somewhere when he said, “Daddy, the universe is big right?” “Yep.” “Ok, but, what’s on the other side of its edge?” No response. I just sat there silently stunned and realizing my kindergartner just might be smarter than me. So he began thinking out loud. “Maybe it just goes on forever. No, that can’t be right. Nothing made up of real stuff can go on forever. It has to have an edge.” The conversation ended with me telling him I’d look into it.

I say all that to say Calvin began understanding abstract spiritual concepts fairly early. He believes in and loves Jesus and I believe it is absolutely genuine. Adi, my five-year-old daughter, is not nearly as cerebral. She is extremely relational. She loves Jesus, but in all fairness she just loves to love things. She is a princess through and through. She doesn’t walk, she glides. She doesn’t smile for pictures, she poses for portraits. If she could fall asleep snuggling furry woodland creatures while birds sing on her window sill each night, she would. So just loves loving. It may take her a little longer to make “an informed decision” that isn’t majorly influenced by the desire to love anyone.

I believe there is a distinction between believing and making an informed decision. All three of my kids believe in Jesus. But what choice do they have that this point? Especially my two-year-old. It’s not that we are brainwashing them. It’s the unavoidable reality of the parent-child relationship. Small children believe what they are told by their parents and have no reason to question those things. Mommy and Daddy believe in Jesus so it must be true.

The transition from accepting something to deciding its true varies from child to child. However, I think the following loose timeline is generally true.

Ages 0-3: The parents demonstrate faith in daily life with the children. Pray with them. Discuss God and faith in front of them. Read scripture to them.

Ages 4-5: Sincere belief is possible, though I wouldn't call it an informed decision as much as mimicking what they see in the parents.

Ages 5-8: Sometime in this range most kids will be able to make an informed decision about faith. By that I mean a conversation happens in which the child understands basic biblical truths (God exists and created us, we have disobeyed what he said was good and right, we deserve punishment, God sent his son Jesus to take our punishment, now we can love and know God because he loved us first, etc) and that he/she has to choose to partake in this of their own accord.

 I know these age ranges seem broad and may feel unhelpful. However, I propose that anyone who insists there is a specific age at which all children are able to adequately understand the gospel is misinformed and/or does not have more than one child. The truth is nobody knows your kid like you. You will have a better idea than any pastor or psychologist if they are mimicking or deciding. Neither is wrong, they are just different stages of growing up in a household of faith.

Faith is supposed to be a familial thing. Tell your children and your children’s children (Deut 6:7, Deut 11:9). Train up a child in the way he should go (Prov 22:6). Do not keep the children from coming to me (Matthew 19:14). But as for me and my house, we will serve The Lord (Joshua 24:15). Then the guard and his entire family were all baptized (Acts 16:33).

So start early, know your children, and share your faith with them often. Live it in front of them and you will know when they are ready. 

Sonny Saturday #2: 20 things no one ever told us about raising a boy

I apologize for the confusion. I posted Tuesday's post on Saturday's schedule so this is the REAL Sonny Saturday

Today I read an article called "20 Things No One Ever Told Us About Raising a Boy."

I am going to paraphrase the article here to give you the information that I read. I also wrote about what I felt about these unknown factors.

 Here are the 20 things...

1. There will be planes, trains, and automobiles: First, I think that I always knew boys generally liked automobiles of all kinds. This really doesn't bother me because my childhood was overwhelming female. I am one of 4 girls and that means we had our fair share of dolls, barbies, makeup, hair items, and easy bake ovens. I should note, I also have a lot of matchbox Mustangs and Die Cast models. I like cars! Whatever Max is into, I am going to try my best to learn about and be interested as well. As for worrying about gender specific toys, I plan to buy educational toys until he can be drawn to something himself. He will work out what is interesting to him.

2. Boys Don't Stop Moving: I am bit in the middle about this one. I certainly feel like I know it due to being an Aunt to two boys. I also feel extremely anxious knowing it. I have been working on being in better shape and losing weight so that keeping up with Max as he becomes mobile won't be so hard on me but I think the better attitude is to see it as a blessing that he is going to be active because it will cause me to be more active. I was a very active child involved in sports and somewhere along the line, I became rather lazy with my body. Maybe this could turn things around?!

3. Clothes Shopping is Easy and Cheap: This one I knew for sure. Two reasons for me knowing this one was that I was a nanny for a boy in California and I would pick out his clothes for him and he was completely satisfied in whatever I chose. In saying that, there wasn't really a strict budget for him as his father gave me plenty to clothe him for the school year and summers. Max will certainly be on more of a budget than he is. So far, it's been extremely cheap to clothe him because my wonderful friends have donated bags of their boys clothing to me and I am pretty much stocked up until 2T entirely. Pretty Nice. Aside from that, I shop at Kid Exchange & Once Upon A Child so that makes it pretty easy and cheap as well.

4. You will love watching him play with his dad: This is an understatement. I really did not know just how precious it would be to watch my son and my husband enjoy time together. There really is nothing sweeter!

5. The Penis Comparison starts early: Ok, I will admit complete and utter ignorance on this one. My Max is only 5 months old and my nephew doesn't seem to be comparing yet at 4 years old so this one is a new one to me.

6. You'll learn to love Legos: Now, this one has taken on a life of it's own. I worked at the after-school program in my hometown last year as a part time job and the Legos caused more problems than any other toy because they are the coveted toys. I will add though that this was true for males and females. Legos are just awesome!

7. Roughhousing is innate:  Although I am not seeing this yet in Max, it is completely evident in my nephews. Being rough and "wrestling" seems to be a blast for them and in my opinion probably not going to hurt anyone as long as it is just that..playing!

8. You'll want to mold him into a stellar boyfriend:  I already feel the urge for this. When I gave birth to my little man, I thought about him one day being a husband and father and realized that my job was pretty big to raise him correctly to respect women and be a stand up guy.

9. The Goofiness Starts Early: This one I was pretty aware of with my nephew and also my buddy Nick wrote a post about his 7 year old here and the weirdness that ensued when he turned 7. It was entertaining and opens up my eyes to things that might not be so fun but are just part of the boy nature.

10. Even Sweet as Pie Boys Love Guns:  This one I have seen some evidence of in my nephew as well because he is not allowed to have play guns in his house and yet, he makes guns out of anything that could possibly resemble a gun so he can be a hero. I think it's the hero concept that is inborn that I mentioned in my blog about man's basic desires. I'm not sure yet where I sit on play guns/Max but when it comes up...I'll let you know

11. You'll learn not to compare your son to girls: This one I learned VERY early with my nieces and nephews. Kaylea (my 3 year old niece) was talking at 6 months and was using full sentences by a year for sure. My nephew Shawn is just now really making sense at 4 years. It has everything to do with their gender. Now, I should also note that Kaylea was not coordinated and still battles fine motor skills where as Shawn could put together a piece of furniture with 1,000 small parts, I am sure. I have accepted that everyone develops as their own rate and we can't compare children. Especially since my son was 2 months early, he is going to most likely reach milestones at his gestational age.

12. Star Wars takes over earlier than you expect: This one I wasn't aware of and don't really care as long as he is watching it when it's appropriate to do so. We are not big on screen time so I'm not sure how this will play out in my house. Anthony is a fan of the star wars movies but they are not played often in my house.

13. You'll probably make a trip to the emergency room: AMEN! Let me tell you the number of things that my nephew has done while I was watching him (thanks dude). He has gotten choked on Spaghetti and I had to go down his throat to get it, he has eaten a glo stick and had a glow in the dark tongue (non toxic thank God), he has sprayed window cleaner repeatedly in his eyes. (Don't Judge, I wasn't a mom and it was where he could reach it), and I took him to the movies where he was completely content to sit and watch (until he dropped his bag of gummy worms) and tried to get down and smashed his mouth on the chair in front of him and started bleeding profusely. Yep, I'm ready for these types of things!

14. Sports Obsession can be hard wired: I'm glad this one says CAN BE because I know plenty of guys that this is just not their thing. I also know the ones who it is. I think that this is all about interests and can take any form possible. I will say that I've noticed that even those of the men in my life who aren't huge on sports can still have fun throwing a ball around or shooting hoops here and there.

15. Pee will be everywhere. Everywhere:  Yep, sure do know this one. My nephew has peed in the shower, laundry hamper, behind his curtains, and sometimes even in the toilet. He is also the little guy who dropped his pants in the backyard and when we questioned him, he calmly said "I had to poop!" His house was right there and he was closer going to the toilet. Who knows?!

16. You will struggle with gender roles: I'm not sure about this yet. My nephew has certainly enjoyed playing with his cousin's dolls and likes to play dress up and sometimes that means, a dress. My sister is very chill about it but I guess we'll have to see what happens when the rubber meets the road for me. I don't THINK I'll have a problem with it.

17. You will revise your wedding fantasies, and be fine with it: For me, Weddings are a bit taboo so wedding fantasies are not really present in my life. I think this will help me to keep my expectations small and manageable for Max. Anthony and I went to Vegas and got married with very few people we knew and loved and loved every minute of it! Not a big wedding girl!

18. Boys sometimes need to hug it out: This one I learned from my husband. Anthony is a VERY affectionate man and I think that for that reason, Max probably will be too. I have always known that Anthony needs to be soothed by hugs and cuddles so why wouldn't Max. I often hold him tight and tell him everything is going to be alright and Mama loves him. I think affection is a basic human need, period!

19. You will throw away a ton of clothes: HA HA good thing I buy them super cheap at second hand places that are awesome. I am usually losing no more than a couple of bucks!

20. Boys Love their Moms: First of all, YAY!!! Second, I am aware. It is so funny. In my house, Anthony does the morning shift of baby care before he goes to work in the afternoon. I usually get things done I need to get done in the mornings like shopping, laundry, etc... or I get a few extra minutes of sleep to be able to handle the day. As soon as Max sees me in the morning, he is all smiles and he is kicking his feet almost to say "There she is...my favorite person...MOMMMY!!!" It's my favorite part of the day!

Well, what did you learn? Anything? Any moms out there of boys have anything to add to things you didn't know before raising a boy but now you do. I would appreciate any knowledge that could come before approaching these things!!!

--Anthony, Erica, & Maxwell--

Family Friday #1: Family Goal!!

Fridays are dedicated to talking about things that are family topics. This can vary greatly from week to week and include a lot of different components. This can be family activities, family topics, family goals, family updates, etc...

Family Friday topic of the day is the Get out of Debt Plan!

Anthony and I have been through a lot in our short marriage of 5 years. We have lost a child to a late term miscarriage, lost a very lucrative job to the recession, 9 months on unemployment after said loss, moved across the country, and although a HUGE blessing...had a little guy 2 months early that required a month in the NICU. These have all been huge financial hardships and created a mess of debt. Some of it is "good debt" like my student loans and anything that made Max get through being early and other things are "bad debt" like having to let bills go in fear of losing our home during 9 months of unemployment. Through the process, we sought financial counseling. Some of that counsel was wise counsel and some of it really wasn't.

All of that to explain one of our family goals. Anthony and I want to be debt free (except for my student loans) by the end of 2015. Since this is a post about family and that is one of our goals, I thought that once in a while I would update on here how much debt we have eliminated through our plan and give you our plan for getting out of it.

First of all, there is always a plan for us to GIVE more. It's extremely hard to sit and complain about your lot in life when you are giving to people in more need than yourself. It is a great way to get perspective as you are downsizing your own life. The other plan is to use 20% of our income towards paying off our debts. That does not seem like a lot but there are other family expenses that really consume the other 70% and then the 10% that we always want to give from.

Another part of this plan was to downsize our life considerably. This included, but is not limited to, eating ALL of our meals at home, shopping from the Sale ads and budgeting $40/week for Groceries. It's hard but I am almost a genius at this by now. Another thing we did was cut off our cell phones. We were paying $200 a month for our cell phone plan with unlimited data packages. We have since come to the end of our contracts and did not renew them and allowed the phones to be shut off. That was a hard stuff for both us being that we are into our technology! We also are getting rid of our storage unit in California (losing some items is part of this as well) but my mentality is that if we haven't used any of these items in almost 2 years now, we probably don't need it! We also don't have luxuries like cable in our house. We stick with Netflix which is reasonable and unlimited so it allows us to enjoy appropriate tv with no commercials.

We also run a home based business with Scentsy, are considering adding another home based business so that I can work from home, and I take tutoring clients both locally and over the phone from California. These are all sacrifices we are willing to make in order to get ourselves to a healthy place financially.

THE WHY....

Most people would say something like wanting to buy a home, a new car, etc...as the reason they wanted to be out of debt. For Anthony and myself, we have two 12 year old vehicles still running fantastically and they are paid off. If we purchase another vehicle (such as a more roomy SUV) it will be used and we will not be taking on a new loan. We are not planning to buy a home for several more years due to having a place we really love that is VERY reasonable in cost. Our plan for getting out of debt is to teach our son to be a responsible steward and not to purchase things he cannot afford or overextend himself. Also, we want to teach the lesson of giving and enjoying family and experiences over THINGS.

I will be updating on this goal as often as I see fit and the next time I update, I am hoping to have a number of how much debt we have accrued with collections bills, credit cards, and medical bills. It is probably a large number but I believe that God will bless our efforts and soon enough I will be paying much more than 20% on debt and be able to get out of debt by the end of 2015! Please join with us in prayer on this goal. What are some of your family goals?

Thankful Thursday #1: The Shift in Priorities

Thursdays are going to be dedicated to gratitude in parenting. There are so many great parts to being a parent and I am going to take Thursday to talk about some of those things and remind all of you in struggles that parenting is a fantastic blessing!!

Today, Anthony and I are thankful for the shift in priorities that comes with parenting. When we were pregnant with Max, we really could not feel this shift as much although we had already started to make changes in our house for Max's sake. Some of those changes were that we started to be more frugal in our spending, took our prayer life and time with Jesus more seriously, and really paid attention to how we were feeding our marriage on Married Mondays. We discussed at length how important it was that Max had parents who were fostering their own relationship and growing to be more respectful, more loving, and more committed to our marriage daily. We have never really had trouble with those things but it's always powerful to see how much greater your marriage can get if you press in just a little more.

I fully believe that Anthony and I have had a pretty ideal marriage over the last 5 years. We are excited to be celebrating 5 years together in August! In saying that, I think it got even better when Max got here. A lot of people warned us that children can make your marriage difficult so we prayed over that and decided to allow parenting to make our marriage even more beautiful. We prayed a lot while we were pregnant about our connection and time together, how we would prioritize our time, and making sure we still were Anthony & Erica while we were Mommy & Daddy. So far, it's been something we have been able to really keep up. One of the reasons this has worked is that Max has really changed our priorities in life. We always think about how our actions affect him. That is really powerful as a human being to consider another human being in your choices.

We know that as parents, we are the first glimpse of Jesus that our son gets. The things we do in front of him guide his faith so hugely. The way that Anthony treats Max is a factor of how he sees his heavenly father treating him. The way that I nurture him, is the way he sees God nurturing him. I want those images to be loving, caring,  nurturing, supportive, and overall for his best. When those things are in the forefront of your mind, it's hard to get snippy with his daddy in front of him for fear that he won't respect his father in Heaven. It is almost impossible to lose my patience with him when I know my heavenly father doesn't lose his patience with me but continues to teach me, gently correct me, and pursue me in love. When you are thinking constantly about guiding another human toward JESUS...it really gets your priorities straight. That is my continued prayer...

Lord, let his faith walk be in the forefront of my mind as I parent, love his father, and love him!

That is what we are thankful for today! What about you?

--Anthony, Erica, & Maxwell--

A Milestone has been reached!

Today my sweet Maxwell rolled over from his tummy to his back during tummy time for the first time! (That was a lot of TIMES in that sentence and I apologize.) We have been working on this for a while due to Max being a preemie. Their muscles certainly develop a little slower than a term baby. We are very excited for Max as this was a goal we had before he hit 6 months with his doctor. He is doing very well considering he is only actually 3.5 months gestational age. I am astounded every day at how smart, strong, and healthy my sweet boy is even though he was way ahead of the game. I appreciate all of the prayers and support you have all offered over having a little guy and being a mommy sooner than I expected.

Tonight, we are going to celebrate by throwing a blankie on the floor and showing off for daddy! It is never a bad thing to celebrate my sweet pea.

Congratulations to my little Maxwell...you are my star!

--Anthony, Erica & Maxwell--

Wow Me Wednesday #1:

Wednesdays are going to be dedicated to ideas and activities that I have heard about that have wow'd me in some way. They might be recipes, crafts, ideas, activities, or even just tips for parenting. I hope you enjoy

Today's Wow:

I got a link today in an email that really wowed me as someone who loves literature. Max and I read together EVERY single day. Today's book was

The page that I was given was Harper Collins and was a resource that I really thought would be great to enhance reading time. Obviously Max is too young for this resource today but I did download and save all of them that were applicable for future use. This page has tons of printables to go with various titles in Children's Literature including, but not limited to, Amelia Bedelia, Goodnight Moon, and Charlotte's Web. They are activity pages, coloring sheets, mazes, word finds, and all kinds of different activities. I think this would be fun to incorporate with a book you are reading with your little one. It's always great to add fun to reading so that they learn new concepts and the plots, characters, and ideas are cemented in.  The sheets that I went through were also great at teaching new vocabulary. I was loving this page and I hope someone can make use of it the way I did. I just saved them for future use. I will print out a hard copy and put in a binder for Max's reading time later :)

I hope you all have a great Wednesday!

--Anthony, Erica & Maxwell--

Title Tuesday #1:

Tuesdays are going to be day that I review a piece of literature. This can be a children's book that I read to Max, a book about parenting that I read myself, a novel that I used as self care, an activity book that Max and I got involved with, etc... Either way....it's a resources day.

Today's Title is:

Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul
By: John Eldredge

I have been given this book a number of times as recommendation to understanding men better. I have not had too much of an issue understanding Anthony. He is a fairly easy man to live with, love, and understand. However, I am starting to think that maybe I should read this book because I am a mommy to a little boy. I think it would help give me insight into Max's Soul and how God created him. I am going to be covering this book as I read it over the course of several weeks. Stay tuned if you are interested in learning about a Man's Soul or would like to read along with me. This book can be found at your local library, Christian Bookstore, and even on Amazon for about $12-$14.

In the news....

So has anyone else noticed that we have been seeing a lot more news lately about race and discrimination? I know it has ALWAYS been an issue and it certainly has been in my life but it seems like since we had Max that there has been a slew (actual measurement) of race related news topics. Examples are the current controversy with Paula Deen and then there is the Cheerios situation and of course the Wal-Mart debacle. Is anyone thinking that this stuff is cropping up a bit more lately? I have been thinking about this and talking a lot about these topics with my husband. We have such a stake in these topics and always have but more these days.

Sometimes we are asked questions about our relationship or about how we are going to raise Max and it amazes me how much ignorance is still out there so let me be very blunt in this post and tell you a few things...

Let's start by saying that these opinions are, just that, the opinions of ONE Caucasian woman married to an African American man who have a biracial child.

So let's start with good old Wal-mart...here is the gist of the story (although you can read the whole story on Huffington Post by clicking on Wal-mart above.

In Virginia, a (white) man and his children went to do their errands at a local Wal-mart. This man is married to a black woman and they have three young girls together. While in the store, a customer was alarmed by seeing the man and his children together. I believe the words that were used in one broadcast I watched were it didn't "fit." First of all, my stomach lurches at anyone thinking that me and my precious Max don't fit. The family was followed to their home in suspicion of kidnapping. They were confronted on the doorstep of their home and completely confused as to what they had done wrong. It came out that the customer felt like the children and the father didn't "match up." She was asked numerous times by the mother to help her understand what she meant and she could not bring her mouth to say what she was thinking "That white daddy doesn't match to the color of his brown kids!"

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sorry...breaking moment of disgust. I have such a hard time with numerous components of this issue. First that Wal-mart did not just use their security or a customer service representative to look into the situation. I silently wonder if the customer was asked to describe the reasons that she was alarmed and feared kidnapping. Did the children appear scared or coerced in some way? Did the children seem to not know the man? I am sure we are all wondering the answers to these questions. My husband is a very dark black man. I am a very light white girl. Our nieces and nephews are all VERY WHITE. Anthony is allowed to take them wherever he wishes and hang out with them at will. My sisters love that he is in their lives. I would be appalled if he was accused of kidnapping them when Kaylea is jumping up and down begging Uncle Ampy to hold her or Shawn and he are running through the aisles wearing Superman capes. Seriously people, can we use some context? This is the ignorance of one customer who can not fathom that children and parents can be different shades, uncles and aunts can be different shades, etc... That family should have not have to have endured this ridiculous scrutiny because a person was HIGHLY ignorant of what families might look like today!

My son, Maxwell is a beautiful mix of his mommy and daddy. He has a beautiful light brown hue to his skin. If they ever saw Anthony and Max together and saw how much Max loves his daddy and ever see Max and I together and how he is clearly my little boy...and suggested that we took him, I would be not only angry and appalled but downright hurt. My heart goes out to this family and what they had to endure at pure ignorance. Also, while we are on it..don't immediately assume a white mommy adopted their less than white skinned child. It's rude!

To open another can of proverbial worms, have you ever watched crime related television because I sure have. I am a sucker for unsolved mystery type shows, true crime stories, etc... and I am here to tell you that I have seen plenty of WHITE males who have abducted WHITE children and killed them, sexually assaulted them, or worse...both! How many times do you think that they strolled up into THE WAL-MART and bought things with these children and didn't get so much of a second glance because "them there kids matched the man, so we just assumed thems was his children!" (Bad grammar completely warranted for my ignorant person dialect) I am done on this topic but I think you can get what I am trying to say here.

Now, onto Cheerios. Here is a small snippet of the story happening with the Cheerios company. A commercial was created for Cheerios where a little girl (who is biracial; white and black) comes into the kitchen to ask her mom if Cheerios is good for the heart. Her mother, who is white explains to her by reading the box that they lower cholesterol (blah blah blah). The little girl then runs into the living room where her daddy (a black man) is sleeping presumably and pours cheerios right where his heart is. Sweet right? Well, not according to many people commenting on YouTube.

The comments of this commercial were apparently taken over by people with opinions about biracial/multiracial families. I was not able to actually read any of the comments because they were quickly disabled due to the backlash. The fact that I even had to set up the commercial with race at all just shows you that we are way behind here. Why can't we see parents as parents and accept that families all look different. Thank God, we are not held to marrying "our own kind" anymore and we can be married and procreate with people who look differently than ourselves. Interracial Marriage was fully legalized in the United States of America in 1967. It was legal in some states before this but that date is the final date of all states allowing interracial marriage. First of all, that is incredibly sad but either way that is 46 good years that we have been allowed to have interracial marriages so I'm certain that children have come out of that equation. Why is it still so hard for people to see a brown child who came from one white and one black parent? Why is it harder for people to accept white/black individuals marrying than Asian/White, Mexican/White, etc... Yes, it is harder for people. I think that people who have trouble with interracial marriage have trouble across the board but I will tell you that I got WAY less comments from people when I was engaged to a Mexican American man about how confused my kids would be, why won't we just date our "own kind," and even being told that people were "Okay" with my union as if I gave a frilly (expletive) if people are okay with it.

My husband and I have talked this to death and there are a lot of things that we are not given because we are a black man/white woman equation. Want to know some of them??? Oh come on, sure you do! We are not allowed privacy in our bedroom! Here is a post I wrote on my own person blog about the nastiness that people say or ask me about intimacy WITH MY HUSBAND. I doubt that anyone walks up to a white couple and says "So is it true that white men have ...." and are talking about their body parts and what they will or won't do with them! We don't have the luxury of shopping without a WHOLE LOT of customer service representatives following us and wanting to help us. We have looked around too and these customers who are "with their own kind" are not given these beautiful privileges! (Sarcasm completely intended) We also don't get to parent without "your" input. We are told numerous times weekly that people are "okay" with our union and our raising children together. Well thank you random Wal-mart lady #3456, I obviously care since you are pregnant and smoking a cigarette in the parking lot, I really appreciate your incredibly well educated feedback. Now I can go on with my child rearing knowing you are okay with it. Oh and my favorite, our parents are not given just a congratulations when we got married but the ever so popular "How do you feel about (insert Erica or Anthony) marrying outside of their race?!" I have never seen people so concerned about other's feelings until race is involved. How do you feel about your daughter marrying a schmuck? Why are we not given the common courtesy of basic human manners?!

Man, this soapbox is getting VERY unsteady as I continue to rant. I just want more for Max. I want him to marry whom he wants and not be torn to bits because of it or followed home in suspicion of abducting his own children.

Oh, yes and Paula Deen. I'm far to tired to battle this one today. Please read the article and be prepared for a later and probably much more passionate post about that. Now onto say something positive and NOT sarcastic. Thank you to my friends. My friends are some of the most well-educated, tolerant, understanding, and not bigoted people I know. They have always accepted me and my preferences without a word and LOVE Anthony for being Anthony and being kind, sweet, funny, passionate, romantic, lovely, deeply good and don't ever mention his race/color unless it's appropriate in context. They also stay out of our bedroom and mind their own business. That's a start. Now if we could just get the strangers out of it we would have room to find out if those myths are true!

Now that I've offended about 99% of you, I'll let you comment. What do you think?

--Anthony, Erica, & Maxwell--

Sundays Upcoming

For Sundays, I decided to throw my blog to a guest blogger and have him answer questions about parenting and spirituality. I know that not everyone who reads my blogs are Christians but hopefully you can find sage advice and guidance on these posts regardless of that. Let me introduce my guest blogger to you so that you can properly be acquainted.

The Father who will be writing my Sunday posts is Nick Pridemore. Nick is one of my oldest friends as he introduced the gospel to me when we were 15 years old in our physical science class. He continually pestered me to go to church until I gave in and when I did, I also gave my heart to Jesus Christ. I will never forget the part he played to leading me to Jesus. I have been following Christ since and I owe that first step to a boy not being afraid to witness about his own faith.

Since we graduated high school in 1998 (gasp) Nick has gone to do many great things including marrying a beautiful woman (Merry Pridemore) and having three gorgeous children; Calvin, Adison, and Amelia Pridemore. He is also a college pastor in Bloomington, Indiana and is FOREVER a United States Marine. I will let Nick introduce himself more to you through his writing, humor, and love of the gospel. I will tell you this, his credentials come highly recommended by me. He happens to be Maxwell's god-father as well. I go to him for many spiritually based parenting questions and I hope you will too. Please feel free to email any questions for Nick to mrsericalewis08@gmail.com

Each week I will give Nick a reader question or a question of mine and ask him to write about it here. I have encouraged Nick to take whatever form he wishes, recommend reading for us, and break it down in whatever humor he would like. I trust him implicitly so I am excited about him doing Sunday's posts. Next week, stay tuned for our first question!

--Anthony, Erica, & Maxwell--

Sonny Saturday #1 OH BOY!

I decided to put together some themes on Max's blog to chronicle things I see/want to do/do or otherwise just want to walk about on here and get feedback. Saturdays are going to be Sonny Saturdays due to us having a sweet little boy. I will probably be covering things like discipline for boys, toys for boys, books for boys, activities for boys, potty training boys, all things boys!

I wanted to start this series by talking about my views on raising a boy and get feedback on your views. Having a boy meant a few different things to me immediately. One of those was that I would be responsible for raising a husband/father. Luckily we have Anthony and he is fantastic at both. He will be a great example to our little guy! Also, I wanted to hit on spiritual leadership, helping to shape a responsible man, and how to teach little guys and big guys alike to do things that they might believe are not their roles. My husband has never been one to fight about his role in the family other than being our spiritual leader. Anthony cooks, does dishes, cleans, diapers Max, bathes Max but also fixes things, works full time, is super masculine and is by all means the MAN of our household. That is very big tight rope in raising boys and I wanted to pick this apart a little bit.

Also there are numerous issues that parents go through with boys that might be less of an issue with girls. Examples I have heard are the level of violence, weirdness phases, sexuality and body issues, etc... There are a number of issues that mothers of daughters go through more often as well but since I have a boy, I won't be hitting on those. (Unless God has other plans)

Today's topic is going to be....

Mama's boy or Daddy's boy???

I am not sure if it is our geographical region or not but one question that Anthony and I get asked a lot is "Is Max a Mama's Boy or a Daddy's boy?" We always answer the same and explain to people that Max really appreciates us both pretty equally. We are not just being diplomatic. There are times that Max wants nothing to do with me and only wants Daddy and times when he wants nothing to do with Anthony and only wants Mommy. There are also things that we each do with him that he knows is our role. Anthony always gives the bath. I am sure Max would be confused if I did that. Max also is used to mommy comforting him when he has a belly ache as I seem to have the magic touch with these issues. One thing that Anthony and I really focused on while I was pregnant and since Max was born is bonding with both of us in different ways. When I was pregnant, Anthony would read Harry Potter to me at night so Max could hear his voice throughout the whole pregnancy. I fully believe that this has helped him to know Anthony and be completely soothed by him.

Another thing we have done since Max was born is share responsibility as close to 50/50 as we can. We both feel that Max should respect us both and value us both as parents and part of our family. Anthony learns how to cook all of the major dishes I make so that he is of value in the kitchen as well as I am. I take the time to learn about discipline and rule setting so that Max does not only see Anthony as the disciplinarian. We very much want to be a unified front and team for our child so there is no confusion. Also, it is interesting to me the connotations that get put on a boy child when he is a "Mama's Boy!" Why is that?! I believe that a man (boy) who respects his mother and loves her is probably a man who will respect and love his wife properly. I desperately want Max to respect, love, and honor Anthony as well because that is a man who respects and loves himself.

So the question is..why the question...Mama's Boy or Daddy's Boy? Just curious!

Parameters

Today I decided to write about something that has been bothering Anthony and myself. Since we have become parents and taken our little Max into the world, we have noticed that people do not have good boundaries. I have always known this for the most part with being a therapist but it has occurred to me that people have REALLY poor boundaries when dealing with children on multiple planes. Here are a few scenarios in our minds:

1. Poor boundaries with behavior:

Here is the situation. Anthony was working and Max and I stopped in to see him at Starbucks. We were enjoying our beverages (Me: Iced coffee with toffee nut; Max: Gerber Good Start Gentle) when a man and his two small boys came into the store. The boys were approximately 6 and 8 years old respectively. The 6 year old boy promptly told the wonderful Starbucks Barista what he would like to drink and gave the floor to his older brother. The older brother stepped forward and here is the conversation that ensued. We will call the boy Todd just so we have a name.

Todd: I want a Venti Vanilla Bean Frap
Dad: Todd, I told you that you could only get a tall drink today
Todd: But I want a Venti (loudly)
Dad: I told you no, you are only getting a tall
Barista: So a Tall Vanilla Bean Frap?
Todd: No stupid, I said I wanted a Venti (said in the Veruca Salt Type Voice)
Dad: I said TALL TODD
Todd: I want a Venti!
Dad: We are going to need to make  a change on the other drink ordered. We need to add Vanilla to it.
Todd: Yes, and make mine a VENTI
Dad: and make his a Venti (points to Todd)


WHAT???????????????????????????????????

Am I the only one who thinks this might be the worst parenting EVER! Why would we want to reward bad behavior in public, disobedience, and worst of all rudeness to someone in a service position. UGH. Disgusted!

2. Poor boundaries with physical touch

My baby is adorable and yes his hair is soft and his little feet are to die for but that does not give you the permission to touch his body. This is not a problem with people who know Anthony and I and have a place in Max's life but random man in Wal-mart...keep your hands to yourself.

3. Poor boundaries with my child's image

It is NOT okay to share a photo of my baby on your facebook to people I may or may not know. There are pedophiles out there. There are kidnappers. Yes, I may be paranoid but I have Fort Knox type privacy settings on my facebook for a reason. Please don't share my child's pictures no matter how cute you think he is. There are predators out there and my baby is precious to me. Share your children's pictures if you wish but think about what you would feel if I shared them with people you had no acquaintance with.

Is it me, or should I be annoyed?!

Ring in..I'm curious

Anthony, Erica & Maxwell

Looking at 5 months

It's hard for me to even believe I am typing this but Max will be 5 months old in 2 days! We have really enjoyed parenting so far and take every opportunity to soak in his every new experience. One of things that I heard constantly from parents that I trust was that I needed to soak up this little guy time. I do just that! If Max wishes to be held, I hold him. I kiss his little cheeks, relish every single smile, listen to all of his baby noises, and even try to use the time I am doing the inevitable (changing diapers) to have talks with him about how smart and wonderful I think he is. I love being his mommy!

There are a few other things I am passionate about in being a mommy and I thought I would write about them here.

1. BOOK WORM: One of the things that I believe really got me through some difficult times as a child was books. I loved looking at picture books, being read to, and eventually my own silent reading time. I am the kid who was excited when I was assigned a book report. I love literature of any type really. I like children's lit so much and still have priceless memories of many books that guided me along the way. I like non-fiction where I can learn new things about animals, history, fun facts, etc... I am also the kid who read the entire set of Childcraft Encyclopedias and thought it was the best investment my mom ever made. P.S. She bought it from a door to door salesman because while he was there, I couldn't put them down. I do read the dictionary here and there and try to learn new words. I love reading novels now and finding an author that writes well and builds characters that I can relate to, love, hate, or even just picture in my imagination. I read parenting books, marriage books, psychology books, and even crafting books. I read instruction manuals if you leave them where I can find them.  I want that for my Max. I want him to love books! What am I doing to try to create this love?...a few things. First, I read to him with his breakfast bottle every single day. Today's reading time was this gem:

Anthony and I got this book for Max when we were newly pregnant and went out of town to celebrate my birthday/our 4 year wedding anniversary! It really focuses on something that we are passionate about in our house and that is gratitude to God. Every book I choose for Max I read first and try to find the moral/ideal that we support and try to find ways to help him understand concepts like gratitude, service to others, sharing, love for family, coping with emotions, etc... I know...NERD ALERT but I love my boy and want him to one day be a great adult man and I believe that books help shape those character traits. I still take spiders outside instead of killing them because I love Charlotte's Web! :)

2. GOD: Yes, He should have been first but these are in no particular order. I know that down the road Max has to make a choice for himself about whom he will serve. I am a Bible Believing, Jesus Loving, couldn't be anything without my faith,....Christian. Max's daddy feels the exact same way. It is our job, however, to present Jesus as what HE is really like and allow Max to see that in our lives. We try to do a few things to encourage this and focus on that goal in our lives. One of these things is we both pray with Max separately throughout the day and together as a family. I pray with him with his first bottle after reading time. We pray for Daddy while he commutes to work, we pray for family members and friends (some of you reading this are probably in our daily prayers), and we pray that mommy and daddy can parent him in the way God wants and that even though we will make mistakes, we want to quickly correct them and be honest about those mistakes. Another way we do this is that we recently chose "God parents" for Max. In doing this, we were not focused on finding a couple who could take our child if we both passed away although that is something we have a plan for as well. We chose a couple who are of the same faith as us, have been married longer than us, have children of their own, hold the same values/morals/standards for their children as we do, and are people that we love so deeply that we trust them to help us guide Max spiritually. They are precious to us and we are already going to them with questions, concerns, prayers, and to ask for guidance about future things like discipline. It is so helpful to have them to go to for help. Another way that we focus on God in parenting Max is to really treat each other the way God points out in scripture. I honor Anthony in front of Max, don't talk disrespectfully to him, and try to live by Proverbs 31 each day. Anthony is the spiritual leader of our home, talks sweetly and kindly to me, treats me as Christ treats the church and faithfully puts us first in his agenda each day with sacrifice. He is a wonderful husband and father. I believe that these legitimate action steps will more likely lead Max to see Jesus clearly and love him rather than us SHOVING IT down his throat and forcing him to practice Christianity. I fully believe that nothing I say will create a genuine relationship with God for Max...what I do in front of him and how I treat him and his father are everything!

3. DEVELOPMENT: Again, I know I am a nerd but I want my child to have every opportunity to reach his potential in life so I am a stickler for toys and activities that help him do that as opposed to holding him back. Right now, Max is still little so this is less of an issue but we do limit TV time, we do exercises like tummy time, we take walks, we spend time with our family, we play with toys, we have conversations, we practice word sounds, etc. The therapist in me knows that these days are just as important as school days. This boy is growing so much right now in his brain and it's time to focus on things that matter. I also take every opportunity to let him know that emotions are okay. Anthony and I both feel that it is important that he understands that is okay to be sad, angry, frustrated, etc... It's all about how we handle those emotions. Right now, this just means comforting him when he needs it, meeting his needs accordingly, and validating him with words he may not understand yet but he needs to hear. For example...babies whine a lot even when they don't need anything. Sometimes they are bored just like us. I usually say something to Max like "Honey, I know that you are bored right now and probably fighting a nap. I love you and I hope that you are able to get some rest. I sure don't like being bored. One day you'll have so much to do!" Yes, I do get aggravated by whining. It makes me want to drink! I also know that my feelings are just feelings and that I can control how I respond to those feelings. I take a break if I need it, I comfort him, and I remind myself that he does not have any words yet and that would be very frustrating!

4. FAMILY: Although my family hasn't always been a place of comfort and love, I want Max to have that. The ways that I focus on that are pretty simple but super important to me. Every Wednesday, we spend the day with Nanny (Erica's Mom) My mom is recently disabled and lives alone. She often gets lonely and bored and also has a hard time doing certain things for herself. I have started taking Max over to her house after Anthony leaves for work and we clip coupons together, she snuggles Max, and I make her dinner for the night. I usually try to make more complicated dishes that she would have more trouble doing herself due to being in a wheelchair about 99% of the time. I think that teaches Max a sense of responsibility to your family and a servants heart as well. We get picked up after Anthony gets off of work and go home and have our family time in the evening. Also, he spends quite a bit of time visiting with my sisters (Hilliary & Brittany) and his cousins (Shawn, Kaylea, Madelyn, Johnny, Everleigh, and soon to be baby)  Another important thing we want him to understand with family is boundaries. We teach him that by doing one day a week with my mom and not several, choosing to stay home some times and not always be a part of family activities and keeping OUR FAMILY time sacred. We spend every Monday just myself, Anthony, and Max. That is something we are serious about and ask our family members to respect that time together.

Anthony's family are all in California so we have to do family time a bit different with them. The thing we have done since Max was born are monthly update letters/pictures. Each month, I write a letter from Max to his GG (Anthony's mom), his grandma and grandpa Lewis (Anthony's dad and step-mom), his Uncles (Paul & David) and several of our friends in California who are like family to us. I include a picture or pictures of the current month and talk about all of his milestones and adventures. I am hoping it makes them feel connected between visits and helps them build a relationship with Max and know him.

5. SELF CARE: This is less of an issue in our house but one I wanted to touch on. When we initially sat down as a family and talked about responsibilities between Anthony and myself in parenting we knew it meant we had to give each other times alone and we had to share the load in terms of responsibilities. Parents who are burnt out and verbally abusive are most of the time (if not all of the time) parents who do not take time for themselves and do self care. I am the main caretaker in our house as Anthony works full time. I will be working a few hours starting in the fall but mostly..I am a stay at home mom. I have Max about 80% of his life...by myself. I do all of the feeding, diapers, care, and responsibilities in those times. I am 100% okay with this! I chose it! Although that is true, I did not stop being Erica the day that I became mommy. I take my time to be Erica when I can. Here is how we work our schedule. Each day, Anthony gets up in the morning and does most of Max's morning schedule. He gets his first diaper change done, dresses him, and gives him his breakfast bottle. While he is doing these things, I cook breakfast for us and pack Anthony's lunch for work. Anthony leaves for work and then it is MOMMY time. I do all of his care for the next 10 hours. Anthony gets home and gets settled and he takes over. He does bath time every night, gets Max into jammies and puts him to bed. This is when I start cooking dinner for us and we both set down and enjoy time together. Sometimes this is tv time for us, conversations, playing candy crush, whatever. It is our married time. My time comes when Anthony is busy with Max and I have nothing else to do so sometimes I go out on our balcony and read my Bible and pray, read a book, or even just be quiet and still. The best thing is that Anthony is off on Mondays and Tuesdays so Mondays we spend as a family and Tuesdays is Max and Daddy day. Anthony gives me the whole day to do what I want or need to do. Sometimes I run errands, get coffee by myself, have a friend date, lay in bed and read, or even do a household organization project that I can't swing with a baby. I will soon be using some of those hours to work and that is good time for me as well to be away and miss my sweet pea. My Tuesday night I am refreshed and ready for another week of MOMMY TIME!

These are just some of the things we are doing to enforce values in our house. I am curious to hear what you do?!


--Anthony, Erica, & Max--