Title Tuesday #3: Wild At Heart continued

Sadly I will not be able to post about Wild at Heart because I have looked high and low and can't seem to find it. I looked at the used bookstore and the library and nothing yet. I need to try another library and Anthony says we have a copy in our storage so when I find it, I will continue the read. I read the first chapter online. Please stay tuned next Tuesday for more commentary on the book (fingers crossed)

--Anthony, Erica, & Maxwell--

Soul Food Sunday: How do you lead your children to the Cross?

Today's post was written by Nick Pridemore, College Pastor -- Bloomington, Indiana. You can also find him on WerdGuys blogging on all things faith and fatherhood.



How do you share Jesus with your children and live in front of them in a way that leads them to the cross instead of running madly away from it?

This answer centers around one absolutely crucial thing: that you, yourself, have a living relationship with God. I have seen this seemingly obvious requirement cause frustration in parents countless times. I spent several years in youth ministry and saw this all the time. Parents who were not cultivating a meaningful relationship with Jesus on their own would come to me and say, “I just can’t get lil Timmy to care about church or God.” Oh really? I’m so surprised.

Suppose your family tradition is that each person in your home has a really expensive vase. Yeah, that would be a really weird tradition, but it’s early. Give me a break.  Anyway, suppose you harp on your children every day to take care of the vase. You say things like, “This vase is the most important thing you have. You have to care about this vase because this vase is part of your identity.” Meanwhile, your vase is in a box in the corner, shattered into a hundred pieces and covered in dust. No effort is ever made to repair the vase or even get the dust off of it. Would you really be surprised if your kid had a hard time seeing the vase as important?

This makes sense to us very quickly in other areas, but is often overlooked in the area of faith. James talks about the importance of faith being seen and the deadliness of only claiming to have faith. Peter, speaking to church leaders, said “Don’t lord it over the people assigned to your care, but lead them by your own good example (1 Peter 5:3). If this is how I am to reveal Jesus to people I hardly know, then certainly my own beloved children deserve the same.

If you don’t pray they will wonder why you ask them to. If you don’t read Scripture they will wonder why you ask them to. If you panic every time something bad happens they will wonder what the point of faith is. If you live in front of them as though Jesus’ teachings mean nothing (ie gossiping, slandering, fostering addictions, harboring un-forgiveness, etc) they will naturally assume the teachings of Jesus are not that important. The most natural and organic way to share Jesus is not through formal instruction, but for them to see your actual relationship with Jesus. And by this I don’t mean “take ‘em to church!” I believe being part of a covenant community is important, but taking your kids to church is not the totality of modeling faith for them. Church is less than half of the equation. A fraction of the equation. If you want the gospel to take root in your child’s life and shape the way she lives, then she needs to be seeing how the gospel is shaping your life. So step one is make sure your relationship with Jesus is growing and alive. Not perfect, but alive and heading in the right direction.

I’ll share two other thoughts that I see as important. I have found that after letting them see my own faith in daily life the second most important thing is transparency. Something that has been monumental in my parenting is bringing my kids into an awareness that I mess up. Of course, this is to be done with tact and discretion. I’m not saying if you struggle with alcoholism that you should bring lil Suzy to the bar so she can see your struggle. But I am saying be transparent and vulnerable about parenting and other issues your kids are old enough to understand. I have gone to my kids a gazillion times to apologize. “Hey buddy, Daddy shouldn't have been so stern there, that wasn't your fault.” “Come here sweety, I thought what happened was this, but it turns out I was wrong and that actually happened.” “Look, Daddy just messed up. I shouldn't have responded that way, that wasn't the way Jesus would want me to respond. I did it wrong.”

This may be intimidating to some. After all, “I’m the big smart parent. I can’t let the kid think I don’t know what I’m doing. Even if I don’t know what I’m doing I’m the parent so whatever I say or do is the rule.” You may not think that as straightforward as I wrote it, but many parents operate that way. That’s so unhealthy. To be honest, it turns kids away from faith. Presenting yourself as infallible will only make your child resistant to your faith. They will either be thinking, “I’ll never measure up to Mom. I’ll never be good enough, so what’s the point?” or, “Mom is such a hypocrite. She thinks she’s always right, but I see the truth.”

So, be honest about your faults. Apologize when you drop the ball. And don’t be afraid to tell your kids you don’t know something. Here’s why this is important in teaching your kids about Jesus. Being honest and transparent in this allows countless teaching opportunities and bonding moments as you tell your children, “Dad needs the grace of Jesus too.” There is something beautiful about walking through redemptive moments with your kids. They get to see first hand the humility and courage it takes to ask for forgiveness. They learn early that everyone is in need of grace and what it looks like to forgive others. They learn that you as the parent aren't high and lofty, unapproachable and judgmental. And they learn that though you are imperfect you are striving to not be hypocritical. These are all very important things in faith development. It’s no coincidence that excessive judgment and hypocrisy in the home are reasons I often hear young people say they want nothing to do with their parents’ faith.

Lastly, and I won’t spend too much time on this one, never use faith as a punishment or a tool to manipulate. It sickens me when I hear stories of parents manipulating their kids by saying things like, “Clean your room or Jesus will very upset with you.” If that sounds crazy, good!  It should. Don’t ever use Jesus as cheap manipulation trick to get your kids to do what you want. Likewise, don’t use faith as a punishment. I know a girl whose father made her and her siblings read scripture as punishment. He would also make them pray in front of him and if their prayer didn't seem passionate enough, or if it sounded too much like yesterday’s prayer he would make them start over. Horrible. Needless to say, this girl’s understanding of God is severely messed up.

I think these three things are a great starting point for how to lead your kids to the cross in a way that is appealing and not repulsive to them. This blog, of course, covered the more general approach and mindset of the parent and not the specifics of what to say when you have discussions of faith with your kids. That is too fluid and dependent on the kid and the situation. Pray and ask God to give you the right things to say in those conversations. When we need wisdom God is glad to give it (James 1:5). 

Sonny Saturday #3: Raising Emotionally Intelligent boys!

I want to start with an apology if you are all about boys being macho and aggressive and think that teaching them emotional intelligence is a waste. I am a therapist and I cannot adhere to those ideas. I believe that each of us was created with an internal life and that a lot of boys are not taught emotional intelligence so they end up being overly aggressive, angry, bitter, dishonest, unfaithful, etc... Being able to manage emotions and understand them is priceless. The following ideas are taken from this book:

Here are some strategies given in the book to help boys grow into an emotionally intelligent young man.

• Give Boys Permission to Have an Internal Life

(Erica's Thoughts) This one to me is very important because I was raised in the midwest where you need to "Man up" and "Boys Don't cry" and "you shouldn't be a Nancy." I have always hated that mentality. My husband was raised very well. He is able to express emotion and not be ashamed of it in the least. He is also not a cry baby by any stretch of the imagination and has a tough skin about him when he needs to. I think we CAN do both. The way I do this with Max has already started. I hear people that have little bitty boys who says things like don't be a baby to a....BABY! When Max is whining or crying for some reason, I always try to say positive things (he may not understand now, but it's a great practice) to acknowledge that he has feelings as well and they are valid. An example is that Max is very impatient when it comes to getting his bottle. When he is hungry, he is hungry NOW....5 minutes ago! He starts to whine to let us know it's time and then in about 30 seconds it is crying and screaming for a bottle. This is pretty much the only thing that upsets my sweet boy. (His mama looks a little like this when she's hungry too) When he does this, I go to make the bottle and while I am warming it up or fixing it, I say things like "Max, it's okay that you are frustrated with being hungry. It hurts your tummy to be hungry and that makes you cry. I will be in there in a minute with your bottle and you'll feel better but for now, cry it out" It may sound ridiculous to say this to a 5 month old baby but I will need to be practicing this dialogue for when he is 3-4 years old and gets disappointed because he can't have something or do something. I need him to understand that negative emotions are part of life and I can't take away all of the negative but I sure can acknowledge that life sucks sometimes.

• Recognize and accept the high activity level in boys

(Erica's Thoughts) In my experience with little boys, which is extensive to include being a nanny, being an aunt of two small boys, teaching in 1st grade classrooms, teaching 3-5 year olds while mommies were in MOPS, and of course being Max's mommy...I have seen some disturbing trends. A lot of people what to make little boys into little girls. I don't mean that they are wanting a gender reassignment...just that they expect them to have the same developmental stages, the same level of patience, and the same ability to play with their minds and imaginations in a quiet reserved way. Let me tell you, BOYS ARE ACTIVE. They use their whole bodies to play and express themselves. It is imperative that we, as parents of little boys, accept the truth of the matter. BOYS ARE ACTIVE!

• Talk to Boys in their Language

(Erica's Thoughts) In my opinion and experience the most important component of this idea is to accept that boys are less verbal at times and their answers may be one word, and that's okay. Also, boys respond very harshly to things that shame them or "beat a dead horse." I have learned in my marriage that telling my husband what I believe he is done to hurt me or wrong me is where it needs to stop. He cannot process shame and if I continue to talk about the presumed wrong it shuts him down. We need to remember this with our little guys too. Shame can really shut down communication with a boy and being able to be direct, clear, and concise is the best way to communicate with them. 

I am a huge fan of this book and what these authors have to say about raising boys. What do you think? Are these ideas consistent with your little guy?

--Anthony, Erica, & Maxwell--

Family Friday #2: Making time for the family

Last week, I talked about how Anthony and I were determined to get out of debt by the end of 2015. This week we have been looking at our bills and trying to find ways to get some bills settled and help with financial services within hospitals in order to take care of some of the outstanding medical bills. This week, I wanted to talk about something that is very important to our family. It is the designated family time that we carve out.

When Anthony started working for Starbucks, we had been through a 9 month period of unemployment. We had really struggled through several commission only jobs and looked forward to the 60% income that the Unemployment Benefits brought us. Through that experience, we lost a lot of amenities. By that I mean, we were not able to run off to Vegas every weekend for a little road trip, we gave up our Uverse TV, we cut our cell phone packages and we moved out of our 1 bedroom apartment into a friend's guesthouse which they lovingly let us live in rent free for 6 months (Anthony did things here and there to help them out) It was a hard 9 month period.

Although there were a lot of losses during that, there was a huge gain and that was that Anthony and I learned to put our family first. When he was working for a large company that was a lucrative position and made us plenty of money, we sometimes let our family obligations go to the back burner for work. Anthony worked 5-6 days a week at about 14 hours a day. I barely saw him and it was building resentment. Luckily, we did not have kids then because it would have taken even a greater toll on me and a lot on a child.

We decided when we spent those 9 months of unemployment together that we really enjoyed each other's company so much and missed each other deeply during the 3 years Anthony had worked that job. It was grueling. We drew a line in the sand in that time period that we would always mark out a day of the week that others could not touch. We would not let family members ask us to do favors that day, we would not hang out with friends that day, we would not take work that day (even if we desperately needed money) because we had to make our marriage the top priority. Now, we have to make our family a top priority.

You may have heard me mention Married Mondays before and that is what Anthony and I call our day. We are not available to anyone else but each other on Mondays. There have been minimal times when we have had to do doctor appointments or something else important on a Monday but we always go together and make a day of it. We use this day to spend time together and sometimes it means that we do fun things like drive in the country, order pizza, watch a movie, go out to dinner, etc.. but sometimes it means we work on a household project together. Either way, we do not let others take this time from us. I would advise anyone that wants to have a tight knit, happy family to carve out time for it. Whether that means you have a sacred day like ours, a time of day (like 3 hours before bedtime), or even every other week...keep that time for your family and don't let others intrude upon it and overall...do not commit to anything on that day without the permission of all family members. Families need time together. They don't stay together without it!

Thankful Thursday #2: Being Mindful

We are back today for Thankful Thursday. Thursday's post will be scheduled as I have decided to take a media fast each Thursday to try to get alone with God and Max a little more and be less distracted. If you comment, understand no comments will be moderated or looked at until Friday. (Thanks)

Today we are thankful that parenting helps us be more mindful of our experiences. When we do something with Max, it is always the first time. The other day, we went to see a friend's little boy play his last baseball game of the season. It was Max's first baseball game and we realized going over to the ballpark that this MIGHT be a big deal. Perhaps he will be into baseball and play baseball in the future. It would be nice to be able to tell him when his first baseball game really was. I got home and jotted down the details in his baby book. I think that seeing the world through his eyes makes these experiences really precious and helps you be mindful of the moment you are in.

Since it was Max's first game, we talked to him through it and pointed out good plays, good fundamentals, and cheered our hearts out for the little boy we were watching. If we didn't have Max, I wonder if we would have been paying more attention to our smart phones than to our son enjoying a first experience. Kids have a way of shifting your priorities (like I noted last week) and also shifting our focus.

Take a moment to see the world through your kid's eyes today. It is worth the look!

Wow Me Wednesday #2:Guide to Gift-giving

Today for Wow Me Wednesday, I decided to peruse my Pinterest board called "Maxwell Jackson Jude" for something I found to incorporate into his life that also wowed me a little. One of the values that Anthony and I have really wanted to focus on in our parenting is not becoming materialistic and accumulating for the sake of accumulating. We always feel like we have too much stuff and that we want Max to value the things he has and be grateful for gifts. We have been to Birthday Parties and opened Christmas gifts where children received 50-100 gifts each. It was astounding and disturbing at the same time. We would like Max to enjoy the things he gets but to also understand that they aren't going to be numbering in the hundreds so it would be best if he valued those items and took great care of them. We decided that adopting this practice might help us do that. This is the approach we are going to take for his birthday. We are not sure how Christmas is going to look just yet.

Just to give a picture of what this might look like..let's talk about a 4 year old child. I have a nephew this age and he is really into Superheros and toys in general. Here is an idea of how his birthday might look with this approach

1 thing they want: There is a giant superman action figure at Wal-mart that he has had his eye on. It costs about $25 and seems durable. This would be in this category.

1 thing they need: Shawn does not need for a lot but his bedding was getting pretty shabby so getting the avengers comforter and sheet set seems like a good option here at around $25 as well.

1 thing they wear: Shawn is always doing pretty well in his clothing but this year he needed some shorts. His mama shops at places like Once Upon a Child so let's say she allotted $20 for shorts.

1 thing they read: Shawn could always use more books as any kid could so maybe taking $20 and heading down to Inklings in order to get more for the money would be a good idea.

Budget for Birthday: $90-$100

I know that people spend far more on their kids for birthdays and as they get older, their wants tend to be more expensive so this may look different down the road but I feel like if we keep with this guideline it keeps Max from accumulating. It is less about price for me and more about him cherishing what he gets and not tossing it aside for the 75th present he opens.

What does everyone think about this guide to gift giving and could you do it?

Title Tuesday #2: Wild At Heart...

So it's Saturday and that means it's time to talk about ALL THINGS BOY! I have been looking into John Eldredge's book "Wild at Heart." I know that my views on the first part of the book will not be popular among Christians but it was interesting for me to read knowing that I have been recommended this book several times over the past years. I am glad that I never read this book to help understand my husband, Anthony, because even the first chapter was completely counter to who he is. Here are a few thoughts I had and they are in no particular order of the book so far and I'm just digging in. There certainly could be things that I relate to, understand, and find to be biblical truth throughout the book but so far...here are my thoughts.

Eldredge identifies three burning desires that every man has in his heart. They are A Battle to Fight, An Adventure to Live, and A Beauty to Rescue.  If you can believe it, this is where my head starts to spin and think of all sorts of counter arguments for these things. Eldredge seems to quote movies and talk about film characters more than he bases his thoughts on scripture. I'll break it down into each of the desires...

A Battle To Fight

The author makes a point that "Aggression is part of the masculine design..." I can agree with this in part and then I have questions as it continues. I have noticed in my knowledge of men (which is pretty extensive) that they do tend to gear toward the violent. An example is my nephew, who is only 4 years old, leans toward superhero movies, toys that have weapons attached, and pretends to fight foes that we can't see. Is this due to his male nature or is it because he has a desire to please his father and his father loves those types of characters and movies?! You tell me? When he was a small baby...he was always affectionate, sweet, and cuddly. The violent behaviors really didn't begin until he had seen these images in media and learned that they were the HERO of the story. Maybe men just want to please their fathers and be a hero?! Maybe it's not about a warrior of war and slaughtering people concept and more about being the HERO of everything. I am more inclined to believe that they long to be HEROES because we are made in God's image and I know no bigger Hero! I also believe that their nature being like God's....makes them wish to please their father. I see that in Jesus as well. He was all about pleasing his Father. 

An Adventure to Live

Eldredge's point in this is that God created Adam as a wild being and only after making Eve was he put in the Garden of Eden. I do not read that in Genesis 2:4-9. This would imply that the Garden was created for Eve's benefit and that he was okay with frustrating Adam to be out of his element even before sin entered the picture. That doesn't really make sense of God to me. I realize that my biblical knowledge is limited and maybe I am missing something here but I do not view Adam as a wild creature before Eve's arrival. Actually...If I were to be complete honest...it seems like Eve is the one out looking for adventure and to get into some trouble. It seems to me that this demonstrates that men are genuinely usually content until someone tells them that they shouldn't be. I have to tell you that my view of it is more congruent with my husband and friends of the male gender than what I am reading from Eldredge. Most of my guy friends are completely chill  and relaxed and only want to be happy. The females whom they have dealt with in relationships have at times created discontent in them. Now, I should note, I do think Men like adventure in the sense of enjoying their lives and looking for new and different thrills. My husband is a very adventurous man and enjoys new experiences but is he wild??? I would not call it that at all. He is one of the most content and relaxed people I know and I never see him just itching to "get out of the garden."

A Beauty to Rescue

This section for me was not necessarily proved false but I am not sure it can be proved true without looking to secular sources instead of the gospel. I am not finding this trend in the gospel, of men always wanting a beauty to rescue. Sure, there are stories of rescue and stories of men who were pursuing women but overall the gospel is about men's search for self, connection to God, and purpose. Now, if we are looking at popular culture like books, movies, and tv shows....I start to see the references. Fairy tales are always centered around a beautiful girl getting rescued and so are tv shows and movies that center around the handsome guy sweeping the Hollywood starlet off her feet. I think this story gets perpetuated each generation with differing modern storylines. I do not find it in the gospel the way that Eldredge seems to be pointing out. 

This is what I have come to in reading about these core desires of men. I'm not sure I agree that these are the desires. I think they may just be the following:

A Search for Purpose

A Need to be the Hero

A Need to make my Daddy proud

What do you think? Those of you who father boys...Can you support any of Eldredge's ideas? Those of you who do consider yourselves to be very knowledgeable about the Bible, do you? I'm curious, I don't always think I am right but these are my thoughts so far. More next week....