How do you share Jesus with your children and live in front of them in a way that leads them to the cross instead of running madly away from it?
This answer centers around one absolutely crucial thing: that you, yourself, have a living relationship with God. I have seen this seemingly obvious requirement cause frustration in parents countless times. I spent several years in youth ministry and saw this all the time. Parents who were not cultivating a meaningful relationship with Jesus on their own would come to me and say, “I just can’t get lil Timmy to care about church or God.” Oh really? I’m so surprised.
Suppose your family tradition is that each person in your home has a really expensive vase. Yeah, that would be a really weird tradition, but it’s early. Give me a break. Anyway, suppose you harp on your children every day to take care of the vase. You say things like, “This vase is the most important thing you have. You have to care about this vase because this vase is part of your identity.” Meanwhile, your vase is in a box in the corner, shattered into a hundred pieces and covered in dust. No effort is ever made to repair the vase or even get the dust off of it. Would you really be surprised if your kid had a hard time seeing the vase as important?
This makes sense to us very quickly in other areas, but is often overlooked in the area of faith. James talks about the importance of faith being seen and the deadliness of only claiming to have faith. Peter, speaking to church leaders, said “Don’t lord it over the people assigned to your care, but lead them by your own good example (1 Peter 5:3). If this is how I am to reveal Jesus to people I hardly know, then certainly my own beloved children deserve the same.
If you don’t pray they will wonder why you ask them to. If you don’t read Scripture they will wonder why you ask them to. If you panic every time something bad happens they will wonder what the point of faith is. If you live in front of them as though Jesus’ teachings mean nothing (ie gossiping, slandering, fostering addictions, harboring un-forgiveness, etc) they will naturally assume the teachings of Jesus are not that important. The most natural and organic way to share Jesus is not through formal instruction, but for them to see your actual relationship with Jesus. And by this I don’t mean “take ‘em to church!” I believe being part of a covenant community is important, but taking your kids to church is not the totality of modeling faith for them. Church is less than half of the equation. A fraction of the equation. If you want the gospel to take root in your child’s life and shape the way she lives, then she needs to be seeing how the gospel is shaping your life. So step one is make sure your relationship with Jesus is growing and alive. Not perfect, but alive and heading in the right direction.
I’ll share two other thoughts that I see as important. I have found that after letting them see my own faith in daily life the second most important thing is transparency. Something that has been monumental in my parenting is bringing my kids into an awareness that I mess up. Of course, this is to be done with tact and discretion. I’m not saying if you struggle with alcoholism that you should bring lil Suzy to the bar so she can see your struggle. But I am saying be transparent and vulnerable about parenting and other issues your kids are old enough to understand. I have gone to my kids a gazillion times to apologize. “Hey buddy, Daddy shouldn't have been so stern there, that wasn't your fault.” “Come here sweety, I thought what happened was this, but it turns out I was wrong and that actually happened.” “Look, Daddy just messed up. I shouldn't have responded that way, that wasn't the way Jesus would want me to respond. I did it wrong.”
This may be intimidating to some. After all, “I’m the big smart parent. I can’t let the kid think I don’t know what I’m doing. Even if I don’t know what I’m doing I’m the parent so whatever I say or do is the rule.” You may not think that as straightforward as I wrote it, but many parents operate that way. That’s so unhealthy. To be honest, it turns kids away from faith. Presenting yourself as infallible will only make your child resistant to your faith. They will either be thinking, “I’ll never measure up to Mom. I’ll never be good enough, so what’s the point?” or, “Mom is such a hypocrite. She thinks she’s always right, but I see the truth.”
So, be honest about your faults. Apologize when you drop the ball. And don’t be afraid to tell your kids you don’t know something. Here’s why this is important in teaching your kids about Jesus. Being honest and transparent in this allows countless teaching opportunities and bonding moments as you tell your children, “Dad needs the grace of Jesus too.” There is something beautiful about walking through redemptive moments with your kids. They get to see first hand the humility and courage it takes to ask for forgiveness. They learn early that everyone is in need of grace and what it looks like to forgive others. They learn that you as the parent aren't high and lofty, unapproachable and judgmental. And they learn that though you are imperfect you are striving to not be hypocritical. These are all very important things in faith development. It’s no coincidence that excessive judgment and hypocrisy in the home are reasons I often hear young people say they want nothing to do with their parents’ faith.
Lastly, and I won’t spend too much time on this one, never use faith as a punishment or a tool to manipulate. It sickens me when I hear stories of parents manipulating their kids by saying things like, “Clean your room or Jesus will very upset with you.” If that sounds crazy, good! It should. Don’t ever use Jesus as cheap manipulation trick to get your kids to do what you want. Likewise, don’t use faith as a punishment. I know a girl whose father made her and her siblings read scripture as punishment. He would also make them pray in front of him and if their prayer didn't seem passionate enough, or if it sounded too much like yesterday’s prayer he would make them start over. Horrible. Needless to say, this girl’s understanding of God is severely messed up.
I think these three things are a great starting point for how to lead your kids to the cross in a way that is appealing and not repulsive to them. This blog, of course, covered the more general approach and mindset of the parent and not the specifics of what to say when you have discussions of faith with your kids. That is too fluid and dependent on the kid and the situation. Pray and ask God to give you the right things to say in those conversations. When we need wisdom God is glad to give it (James 1:5).
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