- Give Boys Permission to Have an Internal Life
(Erica's Thoughts) This one to me is very important because I was raised in the midwest where you need to "Man up" and "Boys Don't cry" and "you shouldn't be a Nancy." I have always hated that mentality. My husband was raised very well. He is able to express emotion and not be ashamed of it in the least. He is also not a cry baby by any stretch of the imagination and has a tough skin about him when he needs to. I think we CAN do both. The way I do this with Max has already started. I hear people that have little bitty boys who says things like don't be a baby to a....BABY! When Max is whining or crying for some reason, I always try to say positive things (he may not understand now, but it's a great practice) to acknowledge that he has feelings as well and they are valid. An example is that Max is very impatient when it comes to getting his bottle. When he is hungry, he is hungry NOW....5 minutes ago! He starts to whine to let us know it's time and then in about 30 seconds it is crying and screaming for a bottle. This is pretty much the only thing that upsets my sweet boy. (His mama looks a little like this when she's hungry too) When he does this, I go to make the bottle and while I am warming it up or fixing it, I say things like "Max, it's okay that you are frustrated with being hungry. It hurts your tummy to be hungry and that makes you cry. I will be in there in a minute with your bottle and you'll feel better but for now, cry it out" It may sound ridiculous to say this to a 5 month old baby but I will need to be practicing this dialogue for when he is 3-4 years old and gets disappointed because he can't have something or do something. I need him to understand that negative emotions are part of life and I can't take away all of the negative but I sure can acknowledge that life sucks sometimes.
- Recognize and accept the high activity level in boys
(Erica's Thoughts) In my experience with little boys, which is extensive to include being a nanny, being an aunt of two small boys, teaching in 1st grade classrooms, teaching 3-5 year olds while mommies were in MOPS, and of course being Max's mommy...I have seen some disturbing trends. A lot of people what to make little boys into little girls. I don't mean that they are wanting a gender reassignment...just that they expect them to have the same developmental stages, the same level of patience, and the same ability to play with their minds and imaginations in a quiet reserved way. Let me tell you, BOYS ARE ACTIVE. They use their whole bodies to play and express themselves. It is imperative that we, as parents of little boys, accept the truth of the matter. BOYS ARE ACTIVE!
- Talk to Boys in their Language
(Erica's Thoughts) In my opinion and experience the most important component of this idea is to accept that boys are less verbal at times and their answers may be one word, and that's okay. Also, boys respond very harshly to things that shame them or "beat a dead horse." I have learned in my marriage that telling my husband what I believe he is done to hurt me or wrong me is where it needs to stop. He cannot process shame and if I continue to talk about the presumed wrong it shuts him down. We need to remember this with our little guys too. Shame can really shut down communication with a boy and being able to be direct, clear, and concise is the best way to communicate with them.
I am a huge fan of this book and what these authors have to say about raising boys. What do you think? Are these ideas consistent with your little guy?
--Anthony, Erica, & Maxwell--
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